My Mother is Dead

I Did Not Shed A Single Tear When My Mother Died

I took care of my mother during the last two months of her life. I cooked for her, fed her and washed her but I did not cry when she died. She suffered from a rare form of cancer for 17 years. She was brave and strong. She underwent torturous treatments, some in the research stage, without complaining. She always had hope and wanted to live. She took care of herself, cooking and maintaining a house, as long as she possibly could. When I used to call her she never complained about her illness. She was only concerned about me and my kids.

Taking Care of My Mother

My mother spent the last months of her life with my sister. She helped with the cooking as long as she had the energy to do so. It was difficult to watch her suffer. My exquisitely beautiful mother had turned into a fragile skeleton with a swollen tummy. Her face was still beautiful. She was in pain but did not complain because she did not want to take pain killers. Handling her was difficult because my sister and I knew we were hurting her. Hurting a mother is so very hard.

The Last Birthday

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. This time last year we were preparing for her 70th birthday. Everybody knew it was her last birthday. I got instructions from my mother and prepared a chicken curry. She was not happy with it. Obviously it could not be good as her curry. She was a wonderful cook. We did not know if we could have a party because a cyclone was expected to hit the area. Fortunately the cyclone passed out to sea and so we had the party.

Though my mother was very weak she sat at the table till we sang happy birthday. She cut the chocolate cake but could not eat a piece. My had brother flown in for the party so all members of our immediate family was together for the first time in 16 years, after my wedding.

Death

My mother died a month after her birthday. She waited till my daughter came. She hadn't seen them for a while. She asked my husband for news of the war. She was happy the war was nearly over. She spent the last day of her life unconscious in hospital. She wanted to die at home but we could not take care of her. We could not watch her choking and struggling for breath. My sister and I dressed our mothers still warm dead body in a kandyan saree. It sounds bad but we felt as if she was alive since she was warm.

I am still moaning

I thought I was a horrible parson not to cry when my mother died. Now I know it was a coping mechanism, that I was numb with pain. I was a robot for the first 3 months after my mother died. I am still sad. I cry for stupid thing like coming across a recipe of something my mother used to make or seeing a photo of my aunt on face book. I do not believe in rebirth or the eternal soul so I don't have the consolation of knowing she is out there somewhere and that I'll meet her someday.

Regrets

My mother's fussing and worrying about me and my brother and sister used to annoy me but I miss it now. I miss my mother's love. I regret I did not tell her I loved her before she died. I regret that I did not thank her for being a good mother. I regret not phoning her more often. I regret being impatient with her.

My mother was not rich so I did not inherit any great wealth from her but I inherited something more valuable, the ability to love. She taught me how to love by loving me. She taught me how to be a good mother by doing her best for me.

Celebrating

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday so I am going to make a chocolate cake exactly the way my mother made it. I shall sing happy birthday Amma. I will be celebrating my mother's birthday and I will tell my daughters how great their grandmother was.

Tell your mother you love her

Visit her or call her as often as possible. Thank her for being a good mother. If she worries about you it's only because she love you. Put up with the advise and the fussing. You'll miss it once it's gone.

My mother liked orange and red.