Scaredy Mama needs Help

Risk Averse

When it comes to mothering I am totally risk averse. I am overprotective. I have not allowed my daughter to go to parties if there are boy there. I am called the restrictive mother by my daughter and her friends. I take decisions that I think I'll regret the least. Reason for being a stay at home mum.

Dangerous Boys

Today I put my beautiful daughter into a coed school. It was against her wishes. I persuaded my husband. I am so scared. If something goes wrong I can only blame myself. I don't have sons, so boys look like scary alien creatures to me. Even though most probably they are nice little mama's boys.

HELP!!!!!

Please help me. I need reassurance. Any moms out there who have daughters in coed schools? Tell me it's going to be OK. PLEASE!!!

Orgy Vs. Making Love

I am a very private person.

I don't like people being aware of my private pleasures. The brave and the uninhibited who participate in orgies - well I am sure they have lot of fun but it's not my thing. I like privacy, I need privacy and pleasure for me is always guilty pleasure.

My greatest pleasure

I love reading. I need books for survival and sanity. I am a bookaholic. I have to have a novel with me at all times, whatever the circumstances. I even took books on my honeymoon. My husband did not mind because he had brought study material in preparation for a course he was going to follow (Yes, we are a couple of weirdos. My husband read even while I was in labour)

So you would think I am sure to be at the Galle Literary Festival this weekend. It's supposed to be the book lover's version of heaven. Well you are wrong.

A literary festival is an orgy

1. I don't want to be in a crowd of lovers. I don't want to flaunt my private pleasures.

2. I don't want to discuss anything with writers. Specially their books. It will be like discussing intimate details with my mother in law.

3. I don't want to know how books are written. Learning anatomy and biology destroys the ability to have pleasure.

I will continue to enjoy the pleasures of reading. It's a strictly private affair between the book and me. I will do it my way.

All of you who went to the festival, hope you had fun.

Dilemma of the Missing Green Votes - Solved

How did Mahinda win by a larger margin than anybody expected.

The analysis of voter trends can not provide an explanation. My husband's deputy with his great and brilliant analytical skills got it sooooo wrong. The dilemma - Why did the green bloods vote for MR?

Serious Subject at Club

Late last night my brother in law dropped in for a chat over coffee. He was after a few drinks with his buddies at the club.

There is nothing better than alcohol and spicy bites to stimulate the lankan brains. So the guys at the club had decided to solve the dilemma and solve they did.

These tipsy dudes did what no sober analysts could ever do. They found the missing green votes.

Why do Women Hurt Men So?

The wives of these green bloods had voted for MR. The guys are feeling betrayed, sad and jealous.

How was MR able to entice their good little green women away from them?

Could it be his jet black hair and mustache? No. It's obviously coloured and our wives have better taste.

Could it be his smile of flashing porcelain teeth? Maybe.... but really..... for porcelain?

Was it the maroon silk Satakaya? Well who can understand women?

My Husband's Explanation

Ranil and Mangala were the architects of the campaign. They were able to convince the men but not the women since they don't know anything about women. MR of course knows women well. My husband is the product of a boarding school so I think he has a point.

My Explanation

Who better than ME, a woman, to tell you how women think? So let me explain.

A woman's strongest instinct is the protection of her children.

Mahinda ended the war so the women are very grateful. I was in a constant state of anxiety while the war was on and now am truly relieved.

Women never forget, as any married man or even one with a girlfriend knows. Any wrong ever done by her man, by word or deed, however small or long in the past, is never forgotten. It's brought up whenever there is a fight.

The women did not forget what MR did to make this country safe for their children. They were grateful enough to overcome party affiliations and also to overlook the wrongs committed by MR and his clan.

Ranil and Mangala don't have children or real wives, so could not predict the thinking of women.

Men Please Note :

1. Children always come first for a mother. I hurt my husband when I told him this. The truth hurts sometimes.

2. There is no cause for worry. We women do not find MR attractive. Actually I find him quite repulsive.

I am a Pessimist so I Won

Optimist Vs. Pessimist

I had a BBQ dinner yesterday. My brother in law lost an election wager. Guess who won? Ya... Me.

Apart from the genetic mutation of the missing humour gene, my in laws have another genetic mutation. They are incurable unrealistic optimists.

My bro in law was quite certain that Sarath will win the election. Last night was not a victory celebration. It was more of a wake. The guys were talking about astrologers and Ranil's Raja Yogaya. Like people consoling themselves with the idea of rebirth after the death of a loved one. It got so absurd and unrealistic that I had to leave the building. I am not superstitious and do not believe in rebirth or gods.

What do we have to look forward to? More prosperity and progress for the ruling family? The people are already talking about imminent price hikes.

The Next Seven Year

During the new term of the president, my kids would be doing their AL's and then going to universities. This is going to be very expensive for us. It is not going to be easy.

I took a gamble by removing my kids from the local education system. I just could not watch them being tortured anymore. My older daughter sat for her OLs last December and it would have only got worse. The education they were getting.... not great.

I want my kids to be strong enough to survive in this difficult world. Like most Sri Lankan parents I believe a good eduction makes a person strong.

( Soma my cook is back, looking tired but happy. The local politicos had given everybody in her neighbourhood Kiri Bath. Soma will cheer me up. She is making me mango curry, one of my favourites. The little pleasures in life keep me going)

I Did Not Vote - Reason PMS

My husband and I are registered to vote in my husband's village.

I was in the throes of PMS last weekend.

Had a meltdown, flareup whatever.

Anyway a fight with my husband so refused to go to his village.

My sweet husband did not want leave me at home on my own.

Both of us did not vote.

I feel bad.

Blame it on PMS.

( PMS is pre menstruation syndrome. I feel depressed and angry when I have it. Usually I don't bother anybody. This time it was a problem because my husband freaked out at some of my postings. I deleted these but felt angry and resentful. I wanted to be left alone for a while. Everything is fine now. Back to playing happy family.)

Liberal Lanka - for your enlightenment

I can't imagine how you got the impression that Sri Lankan women are helpless. I have not met the type of woman you describe. Have you? Do you know any Lankan Women?

Well maybe I can guess...... You think the little woman in your life is helpless... Am I right?

Let me enlighten you about Lankan women.

The lowest disparity between wages paid to men and women is in Sri Lanka.

Sri Lankan women hold/held every high post in the land.

Examples..

World's first woman prime minister

President

Chairperson of a state Bank

Present Chairperson of telecom

Two current Vice chancellors of universities

I think it's good for women here because of the Buddhist culture. Buddha taught that a woman is as smart and as capable as a man.

We Sri Lankan women are very wise

It's the wisdom passed down through the generations. We sometimes pretend to be helpless for two reasons.

1. We can avoid unpleasant tasks.

2. We want to boost the morales of our men. Doesn't it feel good when you think you are stronger than your woman? Don't you feel important and needed?

Let me illustrate with the story of a typical helpless little Sri Lankan woman

Shalini was good in her studies. Her parents encouraged her. She got a professional qualification. Worked. Lived on her own. Enjoyed Work and independence. Then she got married and had a baby. She decided to stay at home to take care of the baby. Life is great for her and this is what she tells her naive husband.

1. She can travel across continents and handle multiple transits on her own but can't find her way to Nugegoda.

2. She can find her way in a sprawling foreign hospital but not Asiri hospital.

3. She can make the best desserts and cakes but does not know to cook rice and curry.

4. She is too scared to drive after dark except after dinner at fancy resraurants.

5. She knows only a limited area in Colombo.... Limits are marked by Odel, Galle face Hotel, Orchard plaza and Park Road.

6. Can manage parking at the crowded MC car park but not near the Colpetty market.

7. Can use public transport in a strange foreign city but not in Colombo

Notice a pattern here? So Shalini leads a very comfortable life while her husband has to work very hard to finance the comfortable lifestyle while taking care of helpless Shalini. Remember Shalini managed quite well before marraige.

So Mr. Liberal Lanka who do you think is smarter?

Now please don't do anything rash and stupid. Go along with your little woman's charade if you want to continue your peaceful and happy life.

BTW Shalini is not some mythical creature. It's me.

STOP! Do not call the SPH ( Society for the Protection of Husbands). My husband is happy and content. All you guys married to independent women who makes you feel insecure and small, please call the SPH. Tel. No. 011- H U S B A N D

Enlighten me Liberal Lanka

Why did you chose a statue made in France that is a symbol of the USA as you profile picture? Wouldn't a Lankan symbol be more appropriate? I suggest the statue of Parakramabahu.

Are you really Liberal?

Sissy Boys of Lanka

Sri Lanka is a country of Sissy Boys.

I mean the cowardly guys, not the gays. I think the openly gay men are very brave. They are the opposite of the Sissy Boys and I admire them.

Mothers make them Sissy Boys

The Sissy Boys are made not born. The lankan mothers love their precious boys too much. They are pampered and protected. These boys carry forward the family name so they are treated real special. The girls on the other hand are taught to be independent and tough. The girls have to survive in a man's world, take care of kids and most importantly make the sissy boy she marries happy.

Sissy Boys at school

It's only studies. Going outside to play is not safe. From the age of five the boy has to prepare for the grade 5 scholarship exam to go to a leading school. Then it's studying to get 9 A's at O/L's. The only reason the boy has to excel in this exam is to preserve the mothers dignity. What will people say? The kid is forced to memorise tons of useless information to answer papers full of trick questions. Then the all important A/L's to get into the university.

Tuition all the Way

It all depends on the tuition. So the best mothers organise the best classes and best teachers. There is no time for leisure. It's school, tuition and study. The quality of life - null. The parents don't realise it's torture. Why the good school ? It's all ego.

This childhood creates a social misfit with zero emotional intelligence. The ragging is an opportunity for these sissy boys to bully somebody and feel superior.

Sissy Boys at Work

When the great sissy boy goes to work it's an anticlimax. Sissy does not have initiative and can't work in a team.

Sissy in Society

He is the chauvinistic, nationalist. Talks bigs, has the solution to everything but can/will do nothing. He just thinks he is superior. Sissy did not go anywhere near the war but takes all the credit for the victory. The poor boys who did not have the opportunities to go to good schools and get the best in tuition fought the war for them and some sacrificed their lives. Sissy does not do anything help these poor people. Why bother?

Shut up You Sissy Boy

All the big talk does not change the fact that you are a big Sissy. We know it and you know that we know it.

Art exhibition JDA Perera Gallery

Event - Opening art exhibition JDA Perera Gallery

Duration - January 22 to February 4th

Location - 46 Horton Place, Colombo 7

Time - 10 am to 7 pm

Great Exhibition of the works of around 40 painters and sculptors, all teachers ( past and present ) of the College of Fine Arts now the University of Visual and Performing Art. The beautiful gallery has 3 levels.

Please visit the exhibition. Rare opportunity to see the works of lots of great artists at the same time.

I am not qualified to express opinions on art, in fact quite clueless about art. I'll just tell you what I liked.

Old Artists

JDA Perera - Portraits . Exquisite.

David Paynter - Portraits

Tissa Ranasinghe - Sculpture

New Artists

RM Dharmasena - Oils . Don't Know what they are but I thought them beautiful. Abstracts?

Sarath Gunasiri Perera - Same as above

JC Rathnayaka - dull colours in acrylic. I usually like bright and bold, but I love these paintings for some reason.

The Writer of Chinthana - You belong in HOLLYWOOD

I love the Mahinda Chinthana - Vision for the future. Nobody else does. The opinions of the people are divided. Some do not understand it. All the Hubs and Nagumas are incomprehensible to them. They think they will not benefit from the Vision, if they don't get it how can they participate. Cheap food and government handouts is what these people understand.

The others think they understand the chinthana and therefore hate it because they think it is absurd and an insult to their intelligence.

The second group ask silly questions. Examples given below.

1. What are the sources of funds?

2. Do we have the expertise to do it?

3.Can it be done when there is a world recession?

These people don't know that you are trying to entertain them so they could forget reality for a while. The poverty, corruption, unemployment and problems in the health, transport and education sectors. They just don't get it but I do.

Chinthana Vision is a brilliant piece of Science Fiction / Fantasy writing. It's way better than Avatar. The planet Pandora is very much like our earth. The Chinthana Sri Lanka is nothing like the real one. The inhabitant of Pandora, the Na'vi are a lot like humans only better looking, primitive and blue. The Super humans Of the Chinthana Lanka can build cities and hubs within seconds - nothing like the real Lankans.

I have the answer to the questions people ask about The Chinthana. ALIENS!!!!! Duh...

(The reason for the mad rush to build the airports and harbours in remote locations is to receive the Aliens. Flyovers? Aliens.)

It will be like a reverse Avatar. Aliens from a more advanced civilisation will land in our country to make The Vision a reality.

The writer of the Chinthana, you belong in Hollywood. You will be appreciated in the USA. You will have fame and fortune. The lame Avatar grossed more than $ 500 million and won Golden Globe Awards. What awaits you is mind boggling.

Do not worry about the US visa. USA welcomes geniuses. Remember Einstein? At that time nobody understood the theory of relativity but they welcomed him anyway. Your work would be understood, loved and appreciated by the Americans. They are not stupid and ungrateful like the Lankans.

If possible, PLEASE take me with you. I am not appreciated by my husband and kids. You and I would make a brilliant team. The aliens scenario... Brilliant... Ya?

MeMa Poll says 80% For Sarath Fonseka

Reason

During the past couple of weeks I have seen the results of several polls. The widely divergent results ( some totally absurd) confused me. I decided do carry out my own poll. I am honest, reasonable and non partisan therefore the perfect pollster.

Date - January 16, 2010 (10 days before the election)

Place - Neighborhood of our parliament

Occasion - Funeral House ( mala batha)

Sample - 26

Result - Sarath Fonseka 21

Mahinda Rjapaksa 4 ( brave people )

Undecided 1 ( coward)

Percentages - Sarath Fonseka 80%

Mahinda Rajapaksa 20%

Interpretation - Not a random sample of the population.

Benefit - I found out the reasons for the widely diverging poll results.

1. Sample not random

2. Results are works of fiction ( nobody was asked)

Note : I ate too much rice with dry fish curry, my Favourite food, so have been in hibernation till now.

RANIL, SIT UP STRAIGHT! How to win an Ellection

Rathu Ira

Last night I watched the last part of the programme RATHU IRA on Swarnawahini. Ranil Wickramasinghe was being interviewed. Ranil did not look good. He needs help with posture, body language and also speech therapy.

The HOT Host

Oh la la! The host of that programme is so hot, much better than any Bollywood star I have ever seen. His nose is a dream. I think his name is Buddika, but I'm not sure. While watching the programme I realised that the opposition had made the wrong choice for the Common Candidate. They should have chosen the Rathu Ira Cute Host, hereafter referred to as RICH.

Rich would have won the election effortlessly. More than 50% of Sri Lanka's population is female. All of them wold have voted for rich. The female voter turnout would have been 100%.

Rich can solve all our problems effortlessly.

1 Quality of Life

As soon as the campaign starts our quality of life will improve. Can you imagine the billboards, cutouts and posters of rich allover the country? It's my idea of heaven. Anybody trying to touch one of these will haveto deal with the women.

2. Stopping Corruption

He only has to announce " Let the corruption stop" and the women will stop their husbands' corruption.

3. The Economy

Tourism will boom. There will be a huge influx of tourists - all female. They will just want to be surrounded by the cutouts of Rich. Imagine one the size of Godzilla. The main industry will be the production and sale of Rich memorabilia. We can even do a reality show of Rich telecast worldwide 24/7, generating foreign currency.

4. National Unity

The women of all races and classes will unite around rich. They would not let the men fight and mess up their utopia.

5. Health and Education

These are issues important to women. They will come up with great suggestions and I'm sure Rich will oblige them. Most nurses and teachers are women, they will ensure everything runs smoothly.

The Result

Once the population is healthy, wealthy, educated and able to live in peace and harmony. Then they can take care of themselves. Who cares about the other issues.

The General

Whatever his credentials ( and there are doubts about these), he is ugly. Who wants to see his ugly mug every day. He has no chance of motivating and mobilising the women.

Is Rich for Real?

Does Rich really exist? I have never seen anybody as near good looking as him in this country. Maybe he is a creation of special effects like Avatar.

Diehard UNPer Dies

An uncle died this morning. He is from a famous UNP family of Wayaba. His wife was exhausted and sad. The first thing she told me was " He fulfilled all his duties. The only regret I have is that he could not vote at the coming election."

A cousin volunteered to impersonate him. I think he was joking but everyone was totally horrified. They are such decent folk even if they were born without the humour gene. It's a genetic mutation in their clan.

Situations like this are a great opportunity for government stooges. They have lots of initiative and no qualms.

My opinion is that rigging will happen in large scale this election. What do you think? Will Sarath supporters in the army prevent it?

Don't be mean to Indi

I have noticed that people write really mean comments to Indi because he supports Sarath. I don't know Indi personally but I figured that he is from the famous and formidable UNP vote bank. These are people who always vote UNP whoever the candidate. There is a sinhala saying that goes - Even if you keep a broom as a cadidate these UNPers will vote for it.

These green Green Bloods are a decent set of people not to be confused with the modern day Sri Lankan politician. It's a family thing. The parents, grand parents and great grand parents are/ have been UNPers. I have got to know this sub species well because I married into a green blooded family.

These people are in a state of euphoria at present. I am enjoying great sadistic pleasure at their expense. I only have to mention an newspaper article or a TV program which said anything against their beloved general or any other politician on their side to see their faces fall and their smiles vanish.

They are a sensitive lot. (Contrast them with Soma my cook, a true blue blood. If I tell anything against Mahinda or anybody on his side Soma gets furious. I have to make a speedy escape from the kitchen, as Soma is usually handling a sharp knife or hot pan.)

I have noticed that visits from these relatives have tapered off . My stock of cake is drying up. Very soon I'll have make a visit to Klassy to buy myself cake.

So guys don't be mean to Indi. Let him enjoy a few days of happiness. Whichever way these elections go Indi is going to be disappointed. Yes, even if Sarath wins he is not going to keep his promises.

After all Indi takes trouble to keep us informed and entertained. I can get cake from Klassy but what can we do if we lose Kottu.

DO NOT MARRY THE NICE GIRL

Your Mother Tells You

" Putha, marry a nice quiete girl. She'll take care of you and be a good mother to your kids." Do not listen to her. She has got it all wrong. If you follow her advice you'll end up in a lot of trouble.

There are several types of nice girls.

If it sounds like I'm talking about diseases it's because I am.

Type 1 - The Stupid Girl

This girl seems nice and quiet because she is ignorant or stupid or both. She is going to bore you to death. She will embarrass you in public. Would not be a good mother or wife because she does not know how to.

Type 2 - The Devious Girl

This girl is a nasty piece of work and knows it. She knows she can never get married if she shows her true self. She will make your life a living hell soon after the wedding.

Type 3 - The Insecure Girl

This girl is acting nice too but is not a bad person. She is trying to be what her parents and the society in general expects her to be. You don't know what she really is at the start and may not like what she really is when you get to know her well. That's if she comes to her senses and decides to be herself. If she continues the charade she will be unhappy, hate herself and get depressed. She would not be any fun to live with.

Type 4 - The Genuinely Nice Girl

This girl loves you. Is kind, gentle and caring. She tries to please you and your family.

She never loses her temper, never fights with you and is not demanding. Life will be great for a few years. Without realizing it you will slowly but surely kill your wife. You are a nice guy but careless with this sweet and sensitive girl's feelings. You don't mean to but you hurt her and she is too sweet to let you know.

After some years of marriage she will be sad or nasty or indifferent. The family not happy.

Messy Mama's Recommendation - The Tough Girl

Marry the rough, tough, smart and opinionated girl. You know what you are getting. She will let you know when you are wrong or stupid. She can handle the problems that are an inevitable part of life. You can depend on her when things get rough. She will be a great companion to you and be a great mother to your kids - firm but kind, caring but not overprotective.

She may not look like Barbie doll, be a good cook or keep a perfect house. These things do not really matter much. The food will be healthy and the house safe and comfortable. She will have her own style without maxing the credit card. Anyway you don't want anybody to think you married a bimbo.

Your mother will not be happy at the start but later they will be great buddies and even gang up against you to laugh at your stupidities

NEVER ask your MOTHER

Never mind what conventional wisdom says . If you want to know something, if you are confused, if you have a problem or even if you are in trouble never go to your mother.

There are many reasons but I'll list the 5 most important.

Reason 1. YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER

When a woman becomes a mother (i.e. the moment she gets pregnant), her brain is permanently altered by chemicals. This happens so that she gets the instincts to protect and take care of her children but something went wrong. Now mothers go nuts at the slightest sign of trouble.

Therefore, when you tell your mother your problems her natural, animalistic instincts kick in. She starts to ask questions, the volume of her voice increases, she starts blaming you, your father, your friends, your dead relatives (for some mysterious reason only on your father's side ) and even random strangers.

Then your mother will start crying.

But this is only if your problem is tiny and unimportant.

If your problem is of important dimensions your mother will collapse, go into cardiac arrest, get a stroke and perhaps even die. You don't want to be responsible for your mother's death so do not tell your mother your problems.

Reason 2. YOU LOVE YOUR FATHER

Your mother is going blame your father no matter what the problem is and no matter what the cause is. He will be harassed, ordered to solve the problem, ordered to advise you and to punish you.

And since your mother is upset she will become a real mean wife. Your father will not be fed or watered. No more clean clothes for him. He can forget about having a conversation. It's either the silent treatment or listening to screaming. And he can't even choose which.

You don't want to be responsible for making your father's life a living hell.

Reason 3. THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO KNOW

When your mother is worried she will start phoning all your aunties ( biological aunts, aunts through marriage and all your mother's friends). This is not because she is a compulsive gossip. These women are her panel of experts ( though you know for a fact that they are a bunch of stupid old cows). All these women have your best interest at heart so they too start phoning around to find a solution. The end result of this is that you will never be able to show your face in public ever again. In this situation the only thing to do is buy shares in all the telecom companies. You will be a recluse but at least you will be rich.

So please invest in a purdah before you tell anything to your mother.

Reason 4. YOU WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE

Mothers are worse than the fierce matriarch in a herd of elephants. They have better memories too.

Your mother will do her best to prevent you doing anything remotely interesting. She will prevent you having friends and she may even attach you to a leash if she thinks she can do so and escape being reported to the child protection agency. She will let you forget your mistakes even if you end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, rich as Bill Gates and win the Nobel prize for finding a cure for cancer.

Reason 5. YOU WILL NEVER GET A SOLUTION

Your mother is mentally incapacitated after listening to your problem. (Ref. reason 1.) Therefore she is unable to give any good advice and will only create more problems for you. (Ref. reasons 1-4.)

THE SOLUTION

Contact me.... Messy Mama.

My advice will be unemotional and never conventional. You will also be helping a worthy cause. ME. My children never tell me anything for all the above reasons so I am bursting with crazy advice that may actually work. Also you will be saving my husband from a breakdown as he is being constantly harassed by me.

I can help you because unlike your mother I don't care about you.