NEVER ask your MOTHER

Never mind what conventional wisdom says . If you want to know something, if you are confused, if you have a problem or even if you are in trouble never go to your mother.

There are many reasons but I'll list the 5 most important.

Reason 1. YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER

When a woman becomes a mother (i.e. the moment she gets pregnant), her brain is permanently altered by chemicals. This happens so that she gets the instincts to protect and take care of her children but something went wrong. Now mothers go nuts at the slightest sign of trouble.

Therefore, when you tell your mother your problems her natural, animalistic instincts kick in. She starts to ask questions, the volume of her voice increases, she starts blaming you, your father, your friends, your dead relatives (for some mysterious reason only on your father's side ) and even random strangers.

Then your mother will start crying.

But this is only if your problem is tiny and unimportant.

If your problem is of important dimensions your mother will collapse, go into cardiac arrest, get a stroke and perhaps even die. You don't want to be responsible for your mother's death so do not tell your mother your problems.

Reason 2. YOU LOVE YOUR FATHER

Your mother is going blame your father no matter what the problem is and no matter what the cause is. He will be harassed, ordered to solve the problem, ordered to advise you and to punish you.

And since your mother is upset she will become a real mean wife. Your father will not be fed or watered. No more clean clothes for him. He can forget about having a conversation. It's either the silent treatment or listening to screaming. And he can't even choose which.

You don't want to be responsible for making your father's life a living hell.

Reason 3. THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO KNOW

When your mother is worried she will start phoning all your aunties ( biological aunts, aunts through marriage and all your mother's friends). This is not because she is a compulsive gossip. These women are her panel of experts ( though you know for a fact that they are a bunch of stupid old cows). All these women have your best interest at heart so they too start phoning around to find a solution. The end result of this is that you will never be able to show your face in public ever again. In this situation the only thing to do is buy shares in all the telecom companies. You will be a recluse but at least you will be rich.

So please invest in a purdah before you tell anything to your mother.

Reason 4. YOU WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE

Mothers are worse than the fierce matriarch in a herd of elephants. They have better memories too.

Your mother will do her best to prevent you doing anything remotely interesting. She will prevent you having friends and she may even attach you to a leash if she thinks she can do so and escape being reported to the child protection agency. She will let you forget your mistakes even if you end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, rich as Bill Gates and win the Nobel prize for finding a cure for cancer.

Reason 5. YOU WILL NEVER GET A SOLUTION

Your mother is mentally incapacitated after listening to your problem. (Ref. reason 1.) Therefore she is unable to give any good advice and will only create more problems for you. (Ref. reasons 1-4.)

THE SOLUTION

Contact me.... Messy Mama.

My advice will be unemotional and never conventional. You will also be helping a worthy cause. ME. My children never tell me anything for all the above reasons so I am bursting with crazy advice that may actually work. Also you will be saving my husband from a breakdown as he is being constantly harassed by me.

I can help you because unlike your mother I don't care about you.